Who is my enemy?

I know what you are thinking and the answer is not even close to that. When you are asked such a question the automatic response always goes to naming another person or better yet witchcraft. I know you might be thinking about your aunt or your neighbor, one of your so called friends who you think does not wish you well.  For now hold that thought and let me break it down for you.

A couple of friends and I have been talking about embarking on what I will name business unusual. The challenge is we had been through this road the previous year and it did not materialize, so when an email came through with details of yet another opportunity, we all got so excited, we were screaming, exchanging BBMs, updating Facebook status tweeting and emailing each other.  One of my friends actually said we are as excited as school kids before going on a trip. My heart was literally racing; I think the last time I was that excited was after giving birth to my baby girl two years ago.

 I was immediately overwhelmed with a lot of question, and the conversation in my head went something like this:  Oh my word I need to think things through, how am I going to finance this? I started calculating the price and took to account the hidden cost. I have a lot in my plate, is this not being irresponsible or over ambitious?  My heart was racing so fast I thought I was about to have a nervous breakdown better yet a heart attack. The combination of being over excited and the worry about the cost was just too much for my poor little heart. What even made the whole situation worse was the thought of failure, what if it does not happen?  What if I cannot see this through, not because of lack of trying but because of circumstances beyond my control? Can my poor heart take another disappointment?  Can you believe that I asked myself those questions in less than ten minutes? My poor mind could not stop thinking and my heart could not cope and that equals anxiety. I literally could not fall asleep that night. 

In the morning as I was taking a shower I had to ask myself, when did I cross the line from excitement to being anxious and worried? Does this place look familiar or even worse is it home for me? Do I easily cross from excitement or clear perspective to anxiety and worry? Is this how I sabotage myself all the time in the name of being reasonable?  My mind always provides me with all this so called reasons and better yet I will justify this little exercise by saying every responsible person should ask themselves those question before making any major decisions.  Let us face it, all was doing with my excessive reasoning  was just feeding  my  anxiety and self doubt, at the end of the day one more goal, plan or dream will not see the light of the day.

The truth is my enemy is not another person or a system; it is not my neighbor back home in Venda or my aunt from my father’s side (in my culture they are always blamed for witchcraft). It is something within, it is my mind, and anxiety is my archenemy.  I have made a career out of being anxious and it must stop. We all have archenemies and they have stopped us from being our best or achieving our dreams or taking a step in realizing our goals. They operate like pick pocketers you will not even see them but will notice when you cannot find your dreams or plans.  They operate like a trusted friend who knows very well that you trust them and they are supposed to have your back, but instead that familiar voice is your enemy of growth and development. Your enemy can be procrastination, blame, self pity, self loathing, un-forgiving (of self and others), pride, rebellion, self criticism and an I know it all attitude, rigidity, apathy, laziness,  fear and perfectionism, yes perfectionism, Win Borden sums it up perfectly “If you want to do everything until you are sure it is right, you will probably never do much of anything.

I know my enemy and you know I have taken it a step further, when it all starts I just acknowledge it and say I know you think you trying to protect me, but I am not going in that familiar route that leads to anxiety and worry, I am choosing a different route, to sleep over it and believe that everything will work out for my good, it will all fall in to place because my steps are ordered by God. If God has placed this idea, dream, goal or plan in my life he will open the necessary doors, all I need is just to trust the process of life. I do my best with what I have and when the road comes to an end or cross, I believe that when I am still he will tell me which way to turn.

RHYTHM TO LIFE

I am very talkative. I share what is on my mind with anyone, I am very free and no secrets. Ask anyone who is close to me or who calls themselves my friend. The upside about my character is that I have no skeletons in the closet, or if I have and they should come out they would not shock, embarrass or make me what to be swallow up by a Tsunami. The downside is that sometime when my plans do not materialize, I go through a down ward spiral. I can feel my energy and moral going down like in that video of Mary J Blidge’s song I am going down.  I want to just close my door and not wake up for a few days. You know having a big mouth I know very well that when someone ask me about progress or results of my much published plans I will just shoot and talk about my disappoints or my plan b and c. 

On a serious note it the beginning of the year,  the previous year I  had so many plans, some have materialized, some I have failed and some have been delayed because of circumstances beyond my control. As I sit here and blog I realize that I have two choices to beat myself up about what I have not achieved and were I went wrong and promise myself that I must just give up on my dreams and plans since the pain, humiliation and embarrassment  of not reaching them or failing is unbearable. That is I organize and attends my own pity party. 

Just when I was about to start it just dawn on me that even though I am wishing that those close to me will not ask about the progress or outcome of my so called plans in case I die of humiliation and embarrassment, I decided to just look around at what is going on in our world, the truth is people forget very easily, just think about it a few months ago the sex tape of the two officials(the correctional officer and the police woman) were on everyone’s lips, and I am sure just like me, you  thought OMG will this woman ever be able to show her face in public? I bet you she has moved on with her life and the country has moved on, it is distance memory now.  Who can forget about Bafana Bafana’s embarrassing victory dance and they had not qualified for the African Cup of Nation 2012, we all thought how can they be so stupid?, let us be honest the country has moved on.  Just when we thought things were slowing down then 23 years old drug mule from Eastern Cape is arrested in Thailand transporting drugs, she sent shock waves across the country and got everyone talking, need I mention the social media buzz about this deed? Talk about humiliation on a national scale. Let us face it the country seems to have forgotten about the ordeal and went on with the festive celebration. So what is the fuss about, people forget about things and they move on.  The truth is the world is forgiving and we are the ones who choose to keep the experience alive in our mind. We choose to fertilize it, water it and visit the garden of our failure and have picnics there while we drink from the well of self pity.  We like to sit there and go over what we could or should have done, if only I could go back. News flash you have no influence over your past! There is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

 My second option develop a frivolous attitude, but in the same line look at my success and achievements, no matter how little they are and congratulate myself for a job well-done. Go back to the drawing board and learn from my mistake, but have a short memory for my failures and move on. I believe that every failure or delay if embraced properly will reveal itself to you as a necessary step towards purpose and destiny.  In the words of T.D Jakes, “The saddest scenario I can imagine would be to face death’s rattling call and wonder what would have happened if I had tried harder. It would be terrible to look back over your life and see that the many times you thought your request was denied, it was actually only delayed. Life will always present broken places, places of struggle and conflict. If you have a divine purpose and life has put you on hold, hang on! Stay on the line until life gets back to you. If you believe as I do, then it’s worth the wait or a try to achieve your dreams.  Raise your glass and welcome 2012.

Society’s mental box

Last week Friday I learned a valuable lesson. It is very easy to throw around lines like “we must accept people for who they are” and “we must not box people”. A months or so ago I bought a wooden TV stand, it was a bargain, since it was real wood, but the trick was that it was not stained. Knowing myself it was not going to be an issue, I am hands on kind of person, and I guess being raised by my strict grandparents has paid off. I grew up in Limpopo and we had to share households chores together with my aunts and brother from sweeping a yard that was full of mango and litchi trees after a night of heavy summer rain, to cleaning the house, you could not go to sleep with a kitchen sink full of dishes, my grandmother would wake you up in the middle of the night and make you wash them without making noise and during planting season or school holidays you would spend it in their farm planting different vegetables, mowing the lawn or watering the garden.

My husband is quite the opposite. He is laid back and he is not hands at all, his idea of a Saturday is a book or giving orders to a handyman. He will mow the lawn or paint if you ask him. He will clean the garage or do any handy work if you nag him. Over the years this has always been one of our biggest challenge. Mostly our conversation would go something like this “can you clean out the garage can you not see that it is dirty” or I want you to pain that rocking chair and his response would go something along this line “but why can’t you hire someone or buy a painted chair?” or just find someone to do it I will pay the bill. I would get angry and start shouting and telling him that he is supposed to be handy he is a man. All men are supposed to be good with their hands. Putting him in that mental box that society creates for people, that makes relationships complicated. Women are supposed to be good at this while men are supposed to be good at that. The same mental box that sees us teaching our girls to “take care of everyone” by teaching them household chores while the boys are busy playing in the street. The mental box that says that a good woman is quite and soft spoken and when you are outspoken you are not “marriage material”. Funny part is I do not like being put in that box; I do not like behaving like I am expected by society, I have made my own rules, my rules are very simple I live my life to the fullest and life is a big adventure for me. I could not be bothered what society and their box prescribes, as long as it does not work for me I am not interested and I am not going in that box even at the risk of being isolated from society. 

Now going back to that TV stand, they deliver it home and I ask my husband, who has over the years expressed his lack of interest in handy work to vanish the stand for me. He goes and paints it the best way he knows how and I had to bite my tongue and just accept that he did his best and out of love and respect for me. Today I decided that it has been a month or so since he painted and I am going to apply another coat of vanish. I have the patience for handy work, and as I apply layers and layers of paint and I can see it becoming what I had envisioned when I bought it. I started asking myself what was so hard for this man of mine, why could he not do it this was. I just had a voice in my head saying but he was honest with you, he does not enjoy this, but you were suffering from your “mental box syndrome”, were too busy trying to make him fit into the box. It got me thinking if we accepted people for who they are in relationships, be it our friends, partners or kids, we fight not squeeze them in mental boxes, what would happen? If a person tells you I am not good at this in a relationship and you complement them instead of forcing them in a mental box, what would happen? Am I glad I am a work in progress, because it means I am open to learning and becoming a better me!