Who is my enemy?

I know what you are thinking and the answer is not even close to that. When you are asked such a question the automatic response always goes to naming another person or better yet witchcraft. I know you might be thinking about your aunt or your neighbor, one of your so called friends who you think does not wish you well.  For now hold that thought and let me break it down for you.

A couple of friends and I have been talking about embarking on what I will name business unusual. The challenge is we had been through this road the previous year and it did not materialize, so when an email came through with details of yet another opportunity, we all got so excited, we were screaming, exchanging BBMs, updating Facebook status tweeting and emailing each other.  One of my friends actually said we are as excited as school kids before going on a trip. My heart was literally racing; I think the last time I was that excited was after giving birth to my baby girl two years ago.

 I was immediately overwhelmed with a lot of question, and the conversation in my head went something like this:  Oh my word I need to think things through, how am I going to finance this? I started calculating the price and took to account the hidden cost. I have a lot in my plate, is this not being irresponsible or over ambitious?  My heart was racing so fast I thought I was about to have a nervous breakdown better yet a heart attack. The combination of being over excited and the worry about the cost was just too much for my poor little heart. What even made the whole situation worse was the thought of failure, what if it does not happen?  What if I cannot see this through, not because of lack of trying but because of circumstances beyond my control? Can my poor heart take another disappointment?  Can you believe that I asked myself those questions in less than ten minutes? My poor mind could not stop thinking and my heart could not cope and that equals anxiety. I literally could not fall asleep that night. 

In the morning as I was taking a shower I had to ask myself, when did I cross the line from excitement to being anxious and worried? Does this place look familiar or even worse is it home for me? Do I easily cross from excitement or clear perspective to anxiety and worry? Is this how I sabotage myself all the time in the name of being reasonable?  My mind always provides me with all this so called reasons and better yet I will justify this little exercise by saying every responsible person should ask themselves those question before making any major decisions.  Let us face it, all was doing with my excessive reasoning  was just feeding  my  anxiety and self doubt, at the end of the day one more goal, plan or dream will not see the light of the day.

The truth is my enemy is not another person or a system; it is not my neighbor back home in Venda or my aunt from my father’s side (in my culture they are always blamed for witchcraft). It is something within, it is my mind, and anxiety is my archenemy.  I have made a career out of being anxious and it must stop. We all have archenemies and they have stopped us from being our best or achieving our dreams or taking a step in realizing our goals. They operate like pick pocketers you will not even see them but will notice when you cannot find your dreams or plans.  They operate like a trusted friend who knows very well that you trust them and they are supposed to have your back, but instead that familiar voice is your enemy of growth and development. Your enemy can be procrastination, blame, self pity, self loathing, un-forgiving (of self and others), pride, rebellion, self criticism and an I know it all attitude, rigidity, apathy, laziness,  fear and perfectionism, yes perfectionism, Win Borden sums it up perfectly “If you want to do everything until you are sure it is right, you will probably never do much of anything.

I know my enemy and you know I have taken it a step further, when it all starts I just acknowledge it and say I know you think you trying to protect me, but I am not going in that familiar route that leads to anxiety and worry, I am choosing a different route, to sleep over it and believe that everything will work out for my good, it will all fall in to place because my steps are ordered by God. If God has placed this idea, dream, goal or plan in my life he will open the necessary doors, all I need is just to trust the process of life. I do my best with what I have and when the road comes to an end or cross, I believe that when I am still he will tell me which way to turn.