On my mind

Last week Monday after battling with an issue for years I woke and I realize that just like the Israelite on Deutoronomy 1:6 I had stayed long enough in this mountain. I decided to step outside my comfort zone and walk away from a comfortable yet purposeless situation. Staying in this situation looked so normal but yet every single day of being in it was like cancer just like the woman with an issue of blood I decided to press through the crowd and touch the hem of Jesus garment. I have no idea what the future hold but I know who holds the future and I can attest to Rosa Parks’ words when one ‘s mind is made up it diminishes fear. The only true freedom we have is the freedom to choose. I have always been afraid of rejection, it has always stopped in my tracks, the thought always paralyzed me, but in one week I have found myself doing things that I thought I was never capable of doing, reaching out to strangers and asking for help, favors from friends without the fear of being rejected or ridiculed. I now know that there has to be a time when a person does more than just pray but step out and be prepared to walk in the water, we must stand in front of the raging red sea and trust that it will not swallow us but God will part it for us. I learned that talking about my misfortune and listening to why I ended up in the path that I am following will not change my situation; I need to make a decision to either live in it or change my course. I am not fearless I am courageous I can say that because as I look back just this week and realize how many doors I have knocked on I cannot help but be proud of myself.  The truth is we are stronger and wiser than we think; we just need to press through the crowd of negative voices, skeptical voices, doubt, fear, rejection, past failure, anger, frustration, self-loathing, victim mentality and reach for our dream, make a change and move forward. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Growing up I was tiny or petite if you may call it. I did not at all think for a second I would grow up and become a woman or a mother. My mother is in the nursing profession and I remember how I would watch her every day during routine in the morning or at night preparing to go to work. My mom was very particular in how she did things, she still is, she would run the bath, wash her face with a face wash. Let me tell you I grew up knowing that a woman has to do the three step routine on her face from an early age, face wash, tone and moisturize  It was part of my upbringing. She would also put on a rich lipstick, nylon stockings and walk to the kitchen to make strong coffee. She would sit and comb her permed hair, put on her perfume and she would seal it with coming to my bedroom and using my long mirror to take one final look at herself. The scent of her perfume would fill the room and I would not be forced to wake up. I would wake up wave her goodbye as she walks down the dusty road in her white nurse uniform. She took pride in her routine. I would rush back to the house so that I can finish her coffee; I just wanted some of that lipstick that would live a mark on the coffee mug to rub off on my lips.

When she came home she would cook up a storm, Sunday was even more special, she would cook a colorful meal while listening to the mellow sounds of old school Rhythm and Blues, she had such great taste in music, she would play the song Prayer by OJ’s while she cooks, but she had a thing about dirty dishes and a clean kitchen, you had to wash after her and mop every single time. It was not an easy thing to do my mom can pile up dishes when she cooks and she never cooks less than three dishes per meal. So there were always dishes to wash and the golden rule was that the kitchen sink was to be empty at all times. When she says mop the floor she meant spotless clean, I mean the woman had an eye for picking up missed spot. My mom did everything with a passion, her garden was forever green, she nurtured her flowers with so much love, and she loves flowers. Her vegetable patch would flourish. Her work uniform was always white as snow with no crease. I would admire her and just say I could never live up to that, no ways. I am going to pass my high school and get out of there and gain my independence; I will never wash a single dish in my life or tend to my garden.

My mom loved her home, she injected love and passion everywhere in our home, her “off days” where spent sweeping the yard, mowing the lawn, moving the furniture and cleaning the house thoroughly and yes cooking up a storm and she would always serve her food in her best china, there was no such thing as kitchenware for visitors in our home. She would change the bed linen, my bed linen was always in a bright colors (pink or white) and if I cheated and not wash before going to bed, she could easily spot it with my dusty foot prints and make me do my own laundry (I despised doing household chores, I would hide behind my books, I was so determined to be a professional and did not want to be domesticated). Everything was always in order in our house, everything always had its place, and before her routine starts she would make sure she freshens up and comb her hair. Yes comb her before cleaning the house, the yard and watering the garden, I am sure you are thinking, who does that? I used to ask myself the same thing over and over till this day I still do.

As a young girl I never appreciated it, I felt it was such torture. I am going to study my way of such a life, I will have a helper, a gardener and I am determined to be a professional woman, you will dare not see me slaving in the kitchen. I am not going to be like my mom, I looked down on her way of life in a way. Today I am a professional woman, a wife, a mother of two and yes I am also what can call an independent woman. I have achieved more than she has achieved in many ways. But it is what she wanted, for me to have a better life, to be strong willed, to be passionate about all aspects of my life, and be it at work, school, and home and as mother. She wanted me to be grounded, be a God fearing woman and have the basics right. Our worlds are very different yet similar in many ways. As I look myself in the mirror while applying toner in my eyes I cannot help but to see her reflection in my eyes, and smile, I apply the moisture and sunscreen with pride, and when my perfume fills the room, I am filled with pride and gratitude. I am because she was, a single mother who despite life challenges did her best with what she was given and gave us her best. She went back to high school, got a Nursing Diploma and built her own house so that I too can have a dream.

My little girl is 3 years old, she is such a fun loving child who adores me, I have never seen such love and admiration until I look into my own eyes and realize that it is the same look I would give my mother when growing, I would try her shoes, her lipstick like my daughter does. I would want to emulate everything she did. The truth is that our kids learn better by watching us in action than us telling them what they should do. As I mature and get wiser I am learning that my mom and I have more things in common than I could have ever wish for. I might have full time helper, but I am still hands on with the day to day running of the house, I might have a gardener, but I still walk around in my water boots and with my little hand fork looking for weeds. I actually call her for gardening advice. I love good food, I can cook up a storm, and the difference is I will buy any cooking gadget that will cut my time in the kitchen into half. I dress up and adorn myself, maybe not as conservative as my mom, but I see her influence in every area of my life and I must say I am very proud. I guess I am my mother’s daughter.  Happy mother’s day, I hope to have the same influence on my kids one day. 

MY LIFE IN THE EYES OF MY KIDS

My kids make life worth living, actually that is an understatement. They make life to be a big adventure, a spiritual experience and they make me look at the world with compassion, love and forgiveness. My first born who will be turning twelve years of age has taught me a lot about life. First let me be honest and say I have not always felt this way.

My son was always energetic, hyper for lack of better words, could not sit still or concentrate. He did things in his own way, in his own time and that usually meant that he could just wonder off in public places, creating uneasiness and chaos for me. Needless to say the early years of his life I spent them in panic, anxious, running after him in crowded malls, supermarkets and big retail stores. When he was diagnosed with Petit-mal epilepsy, ADHD and later Asperger syndrome I actually felt and thought it must have been a punishment from God. I spent a lot of my time asking the wrong or unproductive question. Why me? What is it that I did to deserve this?

The truth is “why me” prevents you from learning and growing as a person. When you spend your energy asking the wrong question you miss an opportunity to grow learn and get to closer to the fulfillment of your purpose or evolve and become fully the person God meant you to be. My little girls who turns four this year is a complete opposite of his brother. She is the life of the home, always full of a smile, when she was a few months old we used to call her smiley, she is already speaking two languages, potty training her was easy, she is always in a good mood. Needless to say it would be easy to gravitate towards her.

Ever since she was born I started asking myself question, not just asking question but clearing my thoughts and being observant enough to receive the answer and embrace the lessons that both my kids are here on earth to teach me. My son may not be a” by the book” child, his social skills developed slower than kids his age, he does not read people’s faces or show emotions as expected. He has taught me patience(I have not mastered it yet LOL), he has taught me to think outside of the box. I have had to learn creative ways of teaching him what comes to you and me naturally. Yet despite of all his challenges there are spontaneous and charming things about him, he loves to read, he enjoys swimming, he loves to play electronic games and at the age of eleven he still enjoy cartoons. He has a very sharp memory for things that matters to him (What that basically translate to is he will remember the names of the soccer players in the Spain squad that was playing in the FIFA 2010 but will not remember the details of his school homework, much to my frustration).  The advantage is that when parents with kids his age have to battle preteens who are fashion conscious, he is content with a game or a book to read. Over the years I have tried in many ways, conscious and unconscious to push him to where I thought he should be, in a way sending a message that he is not acceptable. Lately I have learned to do everything in my power to send a message that you are okay the way you are, you are loved and accepted. After all that is all every human being under the sun would like to hear.  That is all that I want to hear from people around me.

My daughter is the darling, she is playful, full of joy and people are drawn to her.  She is outspoken and free. There is one line that everyone who meets my her seems to share, I am sure you were like her when you were growing up. There are day were I can easily relate to that, and there are days when it is harder. Life can make you forget, the challenges, hard ache, pain and disappointments can make us get lost. The busy life we lead can make us forget to stop and appreciate our strength and the little things that makes life worth living; we end up so uptight and drained.  When I look in to my daughter I see life and sunshine. I see hope, I am forced to reconnect with my inner child and play.

My son teaches me patience, with him and with others, he teaches to love unconditionally, he teaches me to nurture and to learn to be kind with him and also with myself.  My daughter brings out the fun side of me; the adventurous care free girl always comes out to play when I see her. I guess my friend’s tweet of saying a mother’s love is always whole even when divided is the truth.  When it is all said and done I cannot help but think that every person in my life has a lesson to teach me or a character to develop in me. I must just open my arms and be ready to embrace the lessons.

TURNING INTO THE FREQUENCY OF GRATEFULNESS ALWAYS

This week as I was sitting late and just reminiscing about my life, something came into my mind and just put a smile in my face and igniting a warm spirit of gratitude in my heart. I am very particular about the things I like and there is usually a story behind them. I am such a sentimental person and in every detail of my life there is always a movie, a TV series or soapies, a teacher, a place I visited or a book I read that must have planted that spirit in my heart and inspire me. When I was growing up I use to tell my mother and this family friend that with my first salary I will buy myself a Michelle Herbelin watch. I am now older but have discovered that I am not much of a watch person, so it does not make economic sense to spend a lot on an item I will hardly wear. In the past two years I have been planning to buy myself a fine bone china dinner set (I prefer my tea in a tea cu and not a mug), needless to say that it has taken a back sit and some more pressing matters had to take priority. It is just one of those luxuries that I can do without for now, at least that’s what thought.

That is until three weeks ago when a dear friend told me that a store near her place of work has them in stock. With such enthusiasm and passion she insisted that I come through when they open again the following Tuesday. Our appointment was set and she took me through and I was able to get myself a set. The fulfilling part was that I got it for a fraction of retail price. Can you feel the warm smile oozing out gratitude in my heart? I remember sharing my desires with her a year before and I was so delighted when she remembered. Sometimes a small thing you do can mean everything in another person’s life. As I sat alone I could not help but to realize how God answers all our prayers, how all our dreams no matter how small, insignificant or petty they might seem they do come to pass. Truth be told it is not easy when you have experienced disappointments, failure and heartache to remain hopeful and grateful or even notice when you experience little miracles of life.

 I must admit year 2012 was not an easy and kind year to me, I am glad I was able to be present enough to notice. Go on open your mind, follow your heart and reach for your dreams, don’t put a limit on anything The most important ingredient is maintaining a heart of gratitude, having a mind that is clear from worry, murmuring and complaining so that you are able to notice the little miracles of life and marvel in them. I like what Louisa Hay say, “The universe loves grateful people. The more grateful you are, the more things you will have to be grateful for”. Who said that we cannot have everything we desire, I say I can maybe just not at once.

 I must say after reading the reviews on the internet I did my best to avoid the book. When a friend finally made sure that I have it in my hand, I knew I had to face my fears and read it. The book is such an easy intimate read; she takes you through her journey of life. You get to experience her pain, heartache, anger, fear, anxiety, loneliness and also share in her bravery, courage, her honesty is refreshing. When you read the book it’s like you can touch her emotions. It is about her battle with depression and being in the sport light, how it nearly robbed her of true joy. I actually twitted to her after reading and said she is to the black woman what Peter was to the early church. (Depressions is viewed as a “white people‘s” condition) Peter was the first to raise his voice on Acts 1:14:39 and preach at Pentecost when the church came to be. By sharing her story and living no stone unturned she has given clinical depression a brand new face and voice, one which a lot of us can relate to and connect with. She has given me hope and for that I can recommend this book to anyone.

http://www.jacana.co.za/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage-ask.tpl&category_id=27&product_id=878&vmcchk=1&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=200

http://www.amazon.com/Eyebags-Dimples-Bonnie-Henna/dp/1431405000

2012 IN WORDS AND EXPERIENCE

2012 presented me with many challenges. Some of them I thought I would never rise above them. During the end of 2011 I lost my father, even though we were not close, I felt like his death symbolized a death of a childhood longing, I always hoped that one day we would get to know each other and he would get to know the woman I have become. While I was still mourning, and making peace with the process I lost my grandmother, who I was very closed to and loved dearly. My grandmother’s teachings and upbringing has contributed to making me the woman, mother, wife and friend I have become, saying goodbye to her has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. In between there was the death of my favorite artist Whitney Houston, before you give me that look: hold it, we all have that one artist that we love, might be a movie star, singer or a soccer star, those close to me understand my deep love for the fallen artist, the rest I don’t care if you call me crazy, but I was and still continue to be a fan beyond her grave.

Death is a funny thing, no matter how long you see your loved one battle an illness or how many funerals you attend; you still don’t get used or prepared for a loved one, in my case an anchor of a family passing on. Watching my whole family drawn in so much sorrow, heartache and pain was not easy at all. I literally lost my way, I could not blog anymore, I was not motivated, I felt like there more I tried, the more projects I took on, just to numb the pain, the harder I tried the more I felt life being sucked out of me. Needless to say some projects failed which just contributed to anxiety, exhaustion and my confidence taking a knock and dive. But through All my trials and tribulations I learned to depend on God, I grew closer to him more than ever. I learned to seek his face.

As 2012 draws near to an end what I have learned and know for sure is that life is full of challenges, heartache and pain. It is full of failing and falling. It is full suffering and loss. All that I have mentioned happens to all of us at one point or another and we don’t choose it just happens. But it is also full of overcoming, joy, pleasure, peace, blessings, laughter, fun, love and friendship. In the midst of a storm you can still experience all that and more. You must just remember that when life looks foggy you have to clean your windscreen to notice them, but they are there. What I learned is that all those I termed negative experience are not permanent and are meant to make us grow stronger, learned the lessons and also to evaluate and reflect things in my life. It is through the negative experience that we grow wiser and learn to stand taller.

Looking back, even though it was a tough year I had a lot to celebrate, I did not lose sight of my dreams and plans, and I pushed on. I completed my studies and graduated. I still had the guts to travel oversees in a trip of a lifetime; I got to experience the history of Rome and toured the Vatican City, Saint Peter basilica, Sistine Chapel the Collosuim, the Spanish steps and the Trevi fountain( I participated in the three coin ritual and made a wish that I would one day return). I love to travel and also old architecture and the trip combined both for me. I now appreciate why MichaelAngelo the famous artist is synonymous with elegance and beauty. The artwork is breath taking and I could not help but to be amazed. I stood there in awe appreciating all the talents and I came to the conclusion that such talent can only be God given. I mean the walls, floors and ceiling were hand painted ages ago, but even in the 21st century I was still able to appreciate the artwork and the sculptures. I also had the pleasure of traveling onboard a cruise ship between Sicily, Crete, Turkey, Greece -got to visit the Acropolis Theatre and lastly Chania. The trip will remain a sweet cherished memory in my life, one I will take with me wherever I go. It is one of the experiences of 2012 I intend to treasure and hold to and take with me to the future, living behind the painful past. By the way one thing i know for sure you have not tasted ice cream until you have had a taste of GelatoItalian Ice Cream); it is like heaven in a cup.

During this festive season just too close of the year I have managed to take a road trip with my family that I have always wanted to take. The beautiful breath taking Garden route, driving from PE to Cape Town with my family. We got to see some of the most beautiful breath taking epic views, the most amazing landscape and scenery. We went past Jeffery‘s bay, Tsitsikamma, Plattenburg bay, Knysa, George, Mossel bay. Going through the route felt like I am watching an episode on Travel Zone channel on 3D, only difference was that it was actually happening and I was partaking in the experience. I got a chance to see aerial view of the sea and some of the coast line towns as we drove by. We also took a detour to Montagu a small town with many wine farms that also produces dried and canned fruits. We went past Route62 in Ashton for some wine testing, and then our trip ended in Cape Town. I now have a better appreciation of my beautiful majestic country and most off all I am at awe of nature and God’s creation.

The truth is as much as I experienced pain, heartache, loss and failure it is comforting to my spirit that all the heartache and pain did not stop me from living my dreams. I recently went through one of my old journals and I could not help but to smile when I realize that most of the things on my bucket list I have managed to experience. I have now come to a conclusion, I will keep pressing on no matter what, I am renewing my commitment to living my life by design, I am renewing my commitment to dreaming in color and also writing my dream, vision and plans down. They do come to pass, they might not happen when I want them to, but if I keep my eyes on the price I will get there. I am looking forward to 2013, from now on it is very simple for me whatever I do, in thoughts, in speech and action must bring me closer to my dreams.  I like what Abraham Lincon said, the best way to predict the future it is to create it. In short good bye 2012 but if given a chance to do things all over again, I would not change a thing because it has made who I am and the good and the bad has worked out for me at the end.

On My coffee Table: Nothing lasts forever by Dr Anniekie Ravhudzulo

Nothing lasts forever by Dr Anniekie Ravhudzulo

This is such an easy read, which keeps you coming back for more, needless to say I completed the book within a week. The truth is, nothing last forever and life is nothing like the fairy-tale in the children’s books that we grow up reading. Life is a battle field, full of laughter, joy, pain, challenges, victories and falling and getting up. The book gives the necessary tools you need to live a victorious life in a world full of challenges. What I like the most is that it feeds you with the word of God and it has taught me to use the word as a weapon, it has given me the courage to face whatever comes my way with confidence in my Lord Jesus Christ. I now know that no matter what season I may be experiencing be it, winter, summer, autumn or spring, I face it alert, watchful, and vigilant according to 1Peter 5: 8-10.

Title	Nothing Lasts Forever
Author	Dr Anniekie Ravhudzulo
Publisher	Xlibris Corporation, 2010
ISBN	1456815938, 9781456815936