I CELEBRATE YOU

August is celebrated as women’s months in our country and it is the months I also celebrate my birthday. This year it coincided with a completion of a long standing project in my life. It is a pretty special months for me. I always had this dream for years and five years ago, I took the opportunity to turn the dream in to vision. Little did I know that I will have my own wilderness to the promise land experience? When it all started I thought it was going to be just pretty straight forward, maybe a few little bumps along the way, but in less than a year it will all be complete and I will be in my land flowing with milk and honey. I had a different mind-set then, I thought if the vision was placed in my heart by God it meant I would never come across difficulties and struggles, and it is going to be smooth sailing all the way. In a few months people will be able to see my fairy tale story and just say exclaim wow “and she lived happily ever after”. I did not take into consideration the evil step mom in the kids fairy tale that they exist in other forms and shapes in real life. Like the Israelite I did not expect to come across the red sea in front of me and an army of Egyptians on my tail. I was not ready honestly for that, I just wanted to arrive to my promise land with no distractions, roadblocks or red sea or the Egyptians. I expected to get to the end of the fairy tale and just hear the line in my head “and they live happily ever after”.

I am here in my promised land and it is everything I dreamt about and more. I can now say that when the bible says  God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ever ask or think of (Ephesians 3:20)  and we know that all things works together for good to them that love God …..(Romans 8:28) I have lived to experience it. Don’t get side tracked it was not all romantic, I was not any better than the Israelite along my journey I murmured, I complain, I was frustrated, I doubted and questioned my dreams and God’s plan for my life. In the beginning I just wanted to arrive to the end of my journey with no lesson learned, I was not interested in process at all. I did not care nor even bothered to ask myself if there was a lesson for me. I would literally cry, throw temper tantrums and question God. Why did so and so not experience what I am experiencing? Why does their journey look so smooth from where I am standing?  I would also ask God if this is what he wanted me to have. Is this meant for someone like me or did I push my own agenda here? Believe me when I say I was not any better than the Israelites, but through it all at the end I did not throw in the towel. I am going to be honest it was not because I was the smartest, most courageous or strongest or wisest person on earth. I will not be telling the whole truth. It was a combination of the grace of God and surrounding myself with loving caring people in my life.

So today I want to pay tribute to two types of people I met through my journey to my promise land. The first group is what I will call the Negative group: this is how I describe them, everyone who said no to me, everyone who slammed the door on my face and forced me to find another way of pursing the dream that was in my heart other than the traditional way of doing things. They negative respond or the door that they slammed in my face might have caused my nose to become a bit flat, (believe me when I say there was a year where the door was slammed in my face and at the end I thought this is it for my poor flat nose it will not survive I am going to need nose job) but it also assisted me in thinking outside the box and also moved from thinking outside the box to thinking that there was no box. I really got to learn and live the meaning of Jim Rohn ‘s words when he said “ if you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t you will find an excuse. There was a point when I felt condemn by the nos’s and the doors being slammed in my face that I actually thought whenever I would stand-up dust myself and looked for other ways I would actually say to myself  “You must be a sucker for pain and humiliation girl”.

The second people in the Negative group are the cynical people, the nee-sayers, the ones who have nothing positive to say, the ones who are always at hand to remind you that it is impossible, it cannot be done, you are way in over your head, you are too ambitious, how can you stand to humiliate yourself like this. Who has ever done it in your family and what makes you think you will make it unless you are following the traditional way of doing things. Who do you think you are?  I am so grateful I met them in my life because they contributed to who I am today. I moved from fearing their negative pessimistic gloomy words, dreading their looks and dodging their snide comments when you meet them( we all have those people who are so sarcastic when you share a dream with them and when it is delayed you can see and feel how gratified they are when things are not going according to plan).

Last but not least in the Negative group is the so called friends you don’t need. Friend that seems excited when you share the dream with but as soon as you hit the first road block their quick to say I always thought you were way in over your head in the first place, they are always ready to have a pity party with you, they tell you what you need to hear. Believe me when I say they delay your creative process in thinking outside the box, they confide you in a space of self-loathing and never challenge you. It is so comforting, yet so dangerous and addictive like a drug. You hit a road block and if you are not wise you might stay there and build a permanent camp because you have someone who sympathizes with your fears, disappointments, helps you lick your wounds and instead of experiencing a one day pity party you end up staying there and build a mansion. You are not supposed to stay there, pity party are supposed to last for a day and then a solder must stand up and continue on their fight for their dreams.

The last two the negative group is most dangerous ones because they are close to us, they are friends, family and acquaintances they are part of our lives. They are there for a reason to keep us focus. There are there to teach lessons because it is not about just reaching a goal or a dream it is about the process. The process of reaching the dream is supposed to refine us, mold us and shape us into better human beings. The process of reaching a dream can make us bitter or better person, and we should be striving for the latter.

The second group is the group that every human being should have. A supportive group. This is all in the form of friends, family, praying partners and mentors. A valuable lesson that I had to learn the hard way in life is that somebody does not like you or does not believe in you or your dream , don’t take it personally. It does not mean that they are a bad person. They are just not part of your destiny. If you keep moving forward you will come into the people that God has ordained for you. I am talking about people who will listen to your dream and encourage you, people who will remind you of your dreams when you have lost or strayed from your path. People who will not support or attend your pity party but will comfort you but expect better from you. People who will still believe in your dream when you have no hope left in you, those that will see your progress when you don’t even feel it anymore. Those friends who will pray with you when all you want to do is just walk away from it all. We all need those friends who are not afraid to tell us what we need to hear as opposed to what we want to hear. People who are not afraid to confront us when we have gone astray or lost the plot. 

In life it is of paramount importance to understand that people come into our lives for a reason, and learn the lessons that they bring. I am now a firm believer that if you let go of the wrong people and keep moving forward you will come into the people God has placed in your path. God has divine connections in your future. People that will celebrate you, people that will want to be your friends, people that will go out of their way to be good to you, assist and open doors for you. Those are the people you need to celebrate and show your gratitude. So failure, delay and struggles should never discourage us but they should make us better, we should celebrate and appreciate our achievements and milestones because they don’t come easy.  

COMMITMENT

What am I committed to? That sounds like a pretty straight forward question which should have a straight forward answer. I mean human beings operate much like companies, who have mission, vision statement and values, but most company employees will tell you that what is written on paper is very far from what is practiced behind those closed doors. Human beings have dreams, they will tell you without thinking if you ask them what they dreams, hopes and aspirations are  but in reality they are not even walking towards that ideal life.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my dreams, my purpose in life and career (vision, mission and values in my life), doing “an audit” for lack of better words, am I where I thought I would be in life? Am I heading in the direction I envisioned, have I done all the things I have always wanted to do, been to places I have always wanted to visit or seen what I have always wanted to see or at least am I heading in that direction? Or am I simple just watching life pass me by like a spectator, better yet a victim of my circumstances and my surroundings. Do I wake up in the same side of the bed, brush my teeth, eat the same breakfast, take the same road to work and then go to church on Sunday and repeat the same process with no effort? What happened to my dreams, my plans and my aspirations? Do I get irritated, frustrated or better yet defensive when a thought about how my life has turned out, or worst case I bite anyone's head who dares to question me about a dream once shared with them. Don’t give me that look, you know as human beings we do that, we would rather shoot the messenger and hold on to our failures or lack of action, focusing our energy in  affirming and justifying why we are stuck and have just settled for a pitiful life. in fact we would rather invite an audience and guests to listen to how unfair life is. 

They say that the worst thing is being lied to is knowing that you are not worth the truth, I kind of disagree I think the worst thing is lying to yourself, and not knowing that you are worth the truth. To add to it all the worst thing is not being cheated on but cheating on yourself, your values and dreams and settling for a life of mediocre.  Am glad to say I am not far from the life I envisioned for myself. I have achieved some of my dreams, been to places I have always wanted to visit and I try my level best to live a conscious life and break away from routine from time to time, but with that being said I am not quite there yet. There are dreams that I should have realized by now and I must say I still have not given up on them. Some dreams, plans and aspirations will not be kept silent, they just keep whispering to me, like that man on the Chicken liken advert with a growing craving. From time to time I am forced to conduct an audit of my life and with the help of God steer my ship to the right direction, self-introspection if you want to call it. Company and organizations conduct what they call customer survey and then they go and formulate new strategies.  President Jacob Zuma does a cabinet reshuffle.

During a quarterly meeting with me, myself and I (kindly note that the recalled and expelled members are not welcomed, namely: ego, doubt, shame, self-pity, anger, self -loathing, guilt, frustration, past failures and blame). I have kind of figured out that we don’t reach a resolution and in turn it delays service delivery and progress. You invite them and the meetings are fruitless, disorganized and they bring your organization into disrepute by their unruly conduct  and remind me of my past failures and circumstances, my mind gets clouded and I end up abandoning or postponing most of my dreams, plans and aspiration. So I had to come up with a strategy to keep them out, do everything within my power to make sure that I serve them with legal papers informing them of my decision. I am the CEO and chairperson of my board, I can hire, deploy and redeploy and recall as I see fit. That’s when I had an epiphany,   everything in life needs commitment, from our everyday life, to our plans, dreams and aspiration. We have to commit to the life we want to live like crazy and live it to the fullest.  Living life to the fullest means committing to our dreams, plans and aspirations and refusing to cheat on them with the unwelcome members (ego, doubt, shame, self-pity, anger, self -loathing, guilt, frustration and blame) and if you find that they invite themselves back in your life, don’t be hard yourself just simply show them the door, and renew your vows to your life of purpose (dreams, plans and aspirations),  in all honesty  it takes strategic commitment to live a purposeful life, to dream in color and strive towards making those dreams a reality, to not only hope but to act, to not just aspire but inspire yourself.  Your dreams, hopes, plans and inspiration deserves a niche market in this complicated life, full of disappointment, pain, heartache and responsibilities.

 I really admire people who are habitual drinkers or smokers, actually admire is an understatement, they inspire me. People who are habitual drinkers or smokers are dedicated, they are committed and they always faithful to their habits. They always have the same routine, they drink every Friday, Saturday and Sunday they will have a beer or two. I mean that is true illustration of what commitment is made of. They defend and preserve their habits, and they are big on sharing. So my question is what are you committed too? Why have you gone from cheating with unwelcome members (ego, doubt, shame, self-pity, anger, self -loathing, guilt, frustration, failure  and blame) and now you stay on a  full time bases with them, walking away from your life of purpose(dreams, hopes, plans and aspiration). We all have vision and mission statements in the form of dreams, hopes, plans and aspiration as I said, but are you living them or are you committed to the Unwelcome Members and you have become so comfortable with them and they have become part of who you are? Can you imagine if there was a Khumbul’ekaya program for lost and abandoned dreams, hopes, and aspirations?  It would be very interesting and there would never run out content because your dreams, hope, aspiration and plans would be looking and longing for you. Kindly call a quarterly meeting with your whole self and recommit yourself to living your dreams because they will not be silent any longer. 

On my mind

Last week Monday after battling with an issue for years I woke and I realize that just like the Israelite on Deutoronomy 1:6 I had stayed long enough in this mountain. I decided to step outside my comfort zone and walk away from a comfortable yet purposeless situation. Staying in this situation looked so normal but yet every single day of being in it was like cancer just like the woman with an issue of blood I decided to press through the crowd and touch the hem of Jesus garment. I have no idea what the future hold but I know who holds the future and I can attest to Rosa Parks’ words when one ‘s mind is made up it diminishes fear. The only true freedom we have is the freedom to choose. I have always been afraid of rejection, it has always stopped in my tracks, the thought always paralyzed me, but in one week I have found myself doing things that I thought I was never capable of doing, reaching out to strangers and asking for help, favors from friends without the fear of being rejected or ridiculed. I now know that there has to be a time when a person does more than just pray but step out and be prepared to walk in the water, we must stand in front of the raging red sea and trust that it will not swallow us but God will part it for us. I learned that talking about my misfortune and listening to why I ended up in the path that I am following will not change my situation; I need to make a decision to either live in it or change my course. I am not fearless I am courageous I can say that because as I look back just this week and realize how many doors I have knocked on I cannot help but be proud of myself.  The truth is we are stronger and wiser than we think; we just need to press through the crowd of negative voices, skeptical voices, doubt, fear, rejection, past failure, anger, frustration, self-loathing, victim mentality and reach for our dream, make a change and move forward. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Growing up I was tiny or petite if you may call it. I did not at all think for a second I would grow up and become a woman or a mother. My mother is in the nursing profession and I remember how I would watch her every day during routine in the morning or at night preparing to go to work. My mom was very particular in how she did things, she still is, she would run the bath, wash her face with a face wash. Let me tell you I grew up knowing that a woman has to do the three step routine on her face from an early age, face wash, tone and moisturize  It was part of my upbringing. She would also put on a rich lipstick, nylon stockings and walk to the kitchen to make strong coffee. She would sit and comb her permed hair, put on her perfume and she would seal it with coming to my bedroom and using my long mirror to take one final look at herself. The scent of her perfume would fill the room and I would not be forced to wake up. I would wake up wave her goodbye as she walks down the dusty road in her white nurse uniform. She took pride in her routine. I would rush back to the house so that I can finish her coffee; I just wanted some of that lipstick that would live a mark on the coffee mug to rub off on my lips.

When she came home she would cook up a storm, Sunday was even more special, she would cook a colorful meal while listening to the mellow sounds of old school Rhythm and Blues, she had such great taste in music, she would play the song Prayer by OJ’s while she cooks, but she had a thing about dirty dishes and a clean kitchen, you had to wash after her and mop every single time. It was not an easy thing to do my mom can pile up dishes when she cooks and she never cooks less than three dishes per meal. So there were always dishes to wash and the golden rule was that the kitchen sink was to be empty at all times. When she says mop the floor she meant spotless clean, I mean the woman had an eye for picking up missed spot. My mom did everything with a passion, her garden was forever green, she nurtured her flowers with so much love, and she loves flowers. Her vegetable patch would flourish. Her work uniform was always white as snow with no crease. I would admire her and just say I could never live up to that, no ways. I am going to pass my high school and get out of there and gain my independence; I will never wash a single dish in my life or tend to my garden.

My mom loved her home, she injected love and passion everywhere in our home, her “off days” where spent sweeping the yard, mowing the lawn, moving the furniture and cleaning the house thoroughly and yes cooking up a storm and she would always serve her food in her best china, there was no such thing as kitchenware for visitors in our home. She would change the bed linen, my bed linen was always in a bright colors (pink or white) and if I cheated and not wash before going to bed, she could easily spot it with my dusty foot prints and make me do my own laundry (I despised doing household chores, I would hide behind my books, I was so determined to be a professional and did not want to be domesticated). Everything was always in order in our house, everything always had its place, and before her routine starts she would make sure she freshens up and comb her hair. Yes comb her before cleaning the house, the yard and watering the garden, I am sure you are thinking, who does that? I used to ask myself the same thing over and over till this day I still do.

As a young girl I never appreciated it, I felt it was such torture. I am going to study my way of such a life, I will have a helper, a gardener and I am determined to be a professional woman, you will dare not see me slaving in the kitchen. I am not going to be like my mom, I looked down on her way of life in a way. Today I am a professional woman, a wife, a mother of two and yes I am also what can call an independent woman. I have achieved more than she has achieved in many ways. But it is what she wanted, for me to have a better life, to be strong willed, to be passionate about all aspects of my life, and be it at work, school, and home and as mother. She wanted me to be grounded, be a God fearing woman and have the basics right. Our worlds are very different yet similar in many ways. As I look myself in the mirror while applying toner in my eyes I cannot help but to see her reflection in my eyes, and smile, I apply the moisture and sunscreen with pride, and when my perfume fills the room, I am filled with pride and gratitude. I am because she was, a single mother who despite life challenges did her best with what she was given and gave us her best. She went back to high school, got a Nursing Diploma and built her own house so that I too can have a dream.

My little girl is 3 years old, she is such a fun loving child who adores me, I have never seen such love and admiration until I look into my own eyes and realize that it is the same look I would give my mother when growing, I would try her shoes, her lipstick like my daughter does. I would want to emulate everything she did. The truth is that our kids learn better by watching us in action than us telling them what they should do. As I mature and get wiser I am learning that my mom and I have more things in common than I could have ever wish for. I might have full time helper, but I am still hands on with the day to day running of the house, I might have a gardener, but I still walk around in my water boots and with my little hand fork looking for weeds. I actually call her for gardening advice. I love good food, I can cook up a storm, and the difference is I will buy any cooking gadget that will cut my time in the kitchen into half. I dress up and adorn myself, maybe not as conservative as my mom, but I see her influence in every area of my life and I must say I am very proud. I guess I am my mother’s daughter.  Happy mother’s day, I hope to have the same influence on my kids one day. 

MY LIFE IN THE EYES OF MY KIDS

My kids make life worth living, actually that is an understatement. They make life to be a big adventure, a spiritual experience and they make me look at the world with compassion, love and forgiveness. My first born who will be turning twelve years of age has taught me a lot about life. First let me be honest and say I have not always felt this way.

My son was always energetic, hyper for lack of better words, could not sit still or concentrate. He did things in his own way, in his own time and that usually meant that he could just wonder off in public places, creating uneasiness and chaos for me. Needless to say the early years of his life I spent them in panic, anxious, running after him in crowded malls, supermarkets and big retail stores. When he was diagnosed with Petit-mal epilepsy, ADHD and later Asperger syndrome I actually felt and thought it must have been a punishment from God. I spent a lot of my time asking the wrong or unproductive question. Why me? What is it that I did to deserve this?

The truth is “why me” prevents you from learning and growing as a person. When you spend your energy asking the wrong question you miss an opportunity to grow learn and get to closer to the fulfillment of your purpose or evolve and become fully the person God meant you to be. My little girls who turns four this year is a complete opposite of his brother. She is the life of the home, always full of a smile, when she was a few months old we used to call her smiley, she is already speaking two languages, potty training her was easy, she is always in a good mood. Needless to say it would be easy to gravitate towards her.

Ever since she was born I started asking myself question, not just asking question but clearing my thoughts and being observant enough to receive the answer and embrace the lessons that both my kids are here on earth to teach me. My son may not be a” by the book” child, his social skills developed slower than kids his age, he does not read people’s faces or show emotions as expected. He has taught me patience(I have not mastered it yet LOL), he has taught me to think outside of the box. I have had to learn creative ways of teaching him what comes to you and me naturally. Yet despite of all his challenges there are spontaneous and charming things about him, he loves to read, he enjoys swimming, he loves to play electronic games and at the age of eleven he still enjoy cartoons. He has a very sharp memory for things that matters to him (What that basically translate to is he will remember the names of the soccer players in the Spain squad that was playing in the FIFA 2010 but will not remember the details of his school homework, much to my frustration).  The advantage is that when parents with kids his age have to battle preteens who are fashion conscious, he is content with a game or a book to read. Over the years I have tried in many ways, conscious and unconscious to push him to where I thought he should be, in a way sending a message that he is not acceptable. Lately I have learned to do everything in my power to send a message that you are okay the way you are, you are loved and accepted. After all that is all every human being under the sun would like to hear.  That is all that I want to hear from people around me.

My daughter is the darling, she is playful, full of joy and people are drawn to her.  She is outspoken and free. There is one line that everyone who meets my her seems to share, I am sure you were like her when you were growing up. There are day were I can easily relate to that, and there are days when it is harder. Life can make you forget, the challenges, hard ache, pain and disappointments can make us get lost. The busy life we lead can make us forget to stop and appreciate our strength and the little things that makes life worth living; we end up so uptight and drained.  When I look in to my daughter I see life and sunshine. I see hope, I am forced to reconnect with my inner child and play.

My son teaches me patience, with him and with others, he teaches to love unconditionally, he teaches me to nurture and to learn to be kind with him and also with myself.  My daughter brings out the fun side of me; the adventurous care free girl always comes out to play when I see her. I guess my friend’s tweet of saying a mother’s love is always whole even when divided is the truth.  When it is all said and done I cannot help but think that every person in my life has a lesson to teach me or a character to develop in me. I must just open my arms and be ready to embrace the lessons.

TURNING INTO THE FREQUENCY OF GRATEFULNESS ALWAYS

This week as I was sitting late and just reminiscing about my life, something came into my mind and just put a smile in my face and igniting a warm spirit of gratitude in my heart. I am very particular about the things I like and there is usually a story behind them. I am such a sentimental person and in every detail of my life there is always a movie, a TV series or soapies, a teacher, a place I visited or a book I read that must have planted that spirit in my heart and inspire me. When I was growing up I use to tell my mother and this family friend that with my first salary I will buy myself a Michelle Herbelin watch. I am now older but have discovered that I am not much of a watch person, so it does not make economic sense to spend a lot on an item I will hardly wear. In the past two years I have been planning to buy myself a fine bone china dinner set (I prefer my tea in a tea cu and not a mug), needless to say that it has taken a back sit and some more pressing matters had to take priority. It is just one of those luxuries that I can do without for now, at least that’s what thought.

That is until three weeks ago when a dear friend told me that a store near her place of work has them in stock. With such enthusiasm and passion she insisted that I come through when they open again the following Tuesday. Our appointment was set and she took me through and I was able to get myself a set. The fulfilling part was that I got it for a fraction of retail price. Can you feel the warm smile oozing out gratitude in my heart? I remember sharing my desires with her a year before and I was so delighted when she remembered. Sometimes a small thing you do can mean everything in another person’s life. As I sat alone I could not help but to realize how God answers all our prayers, how all our dreams no matter how small, insignificant or petty they might seem they do come to pass. Truth be told it is not easy when you have experienced disappointments, failure and heartache to remain hopeful and grateful or even notice when you experience little miracles of life.

 I must admit year 2012 was not an easy and kind year to me, I am glad I was able to be present enough to notice. Go on open your mind, follow your heart and reach for your dreams, don’t put a limit on anything The most important ingredient is maintaining a heart of gratitude, having a mind that is clear from worry, murmuring and complaining so that you are able to notice the little miracles of life and marvel in them. I like what Louisa Hay say, “The universe loves grateful people. The more grateful you are, the more things you will have to be grateful for”. Who said that we cannot have everything we desire, I say I can maybe just not at once.

 I must say after reading the reviews on the internet I did my best to avoid the book. When a friend finally made sure that I have it in my hand, I knew I had to face my fears and read it. The book is such an easy intimate read; she takes you through her journey of life. You get to experience her pain, heartache, anger, fear, anxiety, loneliness and also share in her bravery, courage, her honesty is refreshing. When you read the book it’s like you can touch her emotions. It is about her battle with depression and being in the sport light, how it nearly robbed her of true joy. I actually twitted to her after reading and said she is to the black woman what Peter was to the early church. (Depressions is viewed as a “white people‘s” condition) Peter was the first to raise his voice on Acts 1:14:39 and preach at Pentecost when the church came to be. By sharing her story and living no stone unturned she has given clinical depression a brand new face and voice, one which a lot of us can relate to and connect with. She has given me hope and for that I can recommend this book to anyone.

http://www.jacana.co.za/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage-ask.tpl&category_id=27&product_id=878&vmcchk=1&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=200

http://www.amazon.com/Eyebags-Dimples-Bonnie-Henna/dp/1431405000